Archive for the ‘Nearly News’ Category

AP (Associated Progressive) – Insiders within the White House are reporting a growing sense of unease as election time draws near.  It is feared that Pres. Bush is running out of time suspend democratic elections indefinitely and to declare martial law.  Rumors abound as to what the President has up his sleeve for the next big “event” to justify the crackdown, however, after almost eight years in office, some seem to feel that he might be waiting just a bit too long.  “Of course, that might all just be part of his precise and compricated pran,” suggests one insider, who asked to remain nameress.

It is widely assumed that the push for a Bush Junta is all but a foregone conclusion, with a military takeover followed closely by the suspension of the Constitution and declaring himself King For Life.

However, as November looms on the horizon with few brewing catastrophes, and a large chunk of the military deployed overseas, there is some uncertainty as to whether Pres. Bush will follow through on the mandates of his Illuminati handlers.

Followed by his utter failure to round up all all the gays and lesbians during his eight years in office, members of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy are losing confidence that Bush will have time to set up the next round of terrorist attacks required to enable him to set aside the rule of law for the “duration of the current emergency.”

We’re all just hoping that he’s secretly been working behind the scenes to wire it all together, you know, like he did with the Twin Towers,” confides a highly-placed official within the administration.

Time is short.  Time is short.

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Somewhere along the line I picked up “The Wink.”  You know, that slight twitch of an eye (mine happens to be the left) when you are passing someone you know in the hallway, and on some subconscious level,  a mere “Hey!” doesn’t seem quite sufficient.  So you maybe add in a subtle head nod, and sometimes, even, yes, a wink.  It’s by no means one of those suggestive winks.  And it doesn’t rise to the level of a knowing wink, or anything that needs to be accompanied by a, “How YOUUUU doin’?!”  I don’t really see myself as a quick wink kind of guy, but there it is.  I’ll call it a “qwink.”  As in:

Did you just WINK at me?!

Why, no. Hardly.  It was merely a qwink.”

Oh, well then. Nevermind.”

  A harmless affectation which (one hopes) doesn’t rise to the level of an idiosyncrasy, and, with any luck, isn’t mistaken for a facial twitch or deformity.

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What it is it about some human males that they feel the need to draw a penis on the bathroom stall?  For the last weekend I’ve been working in another building, and forced to use the somewhat substandard toilet facilities therein. The graffiti was without exception vulgar and crude.  The “artistry” was profane and not even fit for Hustler magazine.  I know our culture is all about equanimity and breaking down stereotypes, but I am here to tell you, there ARE classes of people.   Whether through culture, breeding, or simple ignorance, there is a class of people whose idea of making their mark on the world is to scribble threadbare poems we might have learned in 4th grade, unimaginative expletives, and the occasion rendering of genitalia, often accompanied by attempts to portray physically improbable sexual positions, across the interior of a water closet.

For my part, I left a moving Haiku suggesting an essense of eternal questioning, followed by a sudden epiphany about the meaning of french toast, and concluded with a paean to the ecstacy to be found in a well turned-out Aston Martin.  I’m sure I left them properly humbled.  The cretins.

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This just in:

Transformer blast rattles Manhattan

A transformer explosion Wednesday caused panic in midtown Manhattan. “We saw hundreds and hundreds of people running down Third Avenue. They were screaming, they were crying,” said witness Adaora Udoji. One person died and at least 16 were injured, New York officials said. full story

Witnesses weren’t sure if it was Megatron or Optimus Prime who exploded.  Developing…

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From the, “You should REALLY get that checked out” department:

Squirming Fly Larvae Pulled From Man’s Head

Ewwww.

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And from the “WTF?!?!?!” Department:

‘The Darkness’ has too many demons

“It’s unrepentantly violent, soaked in obscenity, and stitched to its skin with the occult. Blood goes flying as you summon demons to massacre anyone in your way. To gain power, you devour human hearts. Oh, and did I mention that you also play a Mafia hitman?”

We are circling the drain, people.

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On a lighter note, one of Jeff Harrell’s funnier ones:

A not-exactly-brief visit from an unnameable horror from beyond time and space.”

Oh sure, go on, laugh.  You know you want to.  {{mutters incoherently under his breath, sticks pins in Jeff Harrell voodoo doll, drinks himself into a stupor on MadDog’s Raspberry-Green Apple Sorbet.}} 

He is the Mozart to my Salieri.  He must be stopped.   ARRRRRGHGHGHGH!

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I’m think I’m done now.  Maybe.

Or… “Debunking Global Warming Hysteria Made Easy.”

In the interests of full disclosure, let me admit full on and up front that I am not a scientist.  I don’t have the technical credibility to contradict a prevailing school of thought on global warming on any kind of scientific or academic basis.

However.  I AM fairly proficient at stringing words and thoughts together in a coherent and rational fashion, (better than most I might most humbly add) and therefore I AM qualified to blow big, gaping, ragged holes in others’ poorly executed attempts at obfuscation.

Take for example this latest example of the-sky-is-falling promotion of global warming as the next Black Plague: 

Data indicate warming far worse than thought
Summer ice could disappear as soon as 2020, leading scientist reports

Yes, yes, now is when you are supposed to wring your hands and tremble in fear.

“What’s happening to the Earth as a whole is a catastrophe, and the disappearance of Arctic sea ice has got to be one of the first indicators of the catastrophic changes,” Wadhams told ITN’s Lawrence McGinty

Do you hear that?  CATASTROPHIC CHANGES ARE JUST AROUND THE CORNER!

If the findings — which were collected by measuring the ice with three-dimensional sonar equipment and assessing water temperature and salt levels — are confirmed, they would represent a significant acceleration of the damaging effects long predicted from global warming (my emphasis)

Uhm…er, uh ‘scuse me?  “IF THE FINDINGS ARE CONFIRMED?!”  So, uh, I take that to mean that you pulled together this carefully crafted piece of journalistic excellence based on a single source of unsubstantiated data?  Oh but wait, it gets better.

In a sign that the cycle is expanding year-round, measurements by the Snow and Ice Data Center showed last month that the winter sea ice this year was the second smallest on record.

Follow the link.  The worst year was LAST year.  Which would, uh, seem to me to suggest that things improved this year.  But really, don’t let that distract you from the impending DOOOM!

The effects of accelerated global warming would be more broad around the globe, the panel said, warning that 20 percent to 30 percent of plant and animal species were at increased risk of extinction. Some parts of Europe could lose up to 60 percent of their species by 2080, it said.

In addition, as many as 130 million people could face severe food and water shortages across Asia by 2050, the report said. By the 2080s, wheat could disappear entirely from the African continent.

Again, I’m not a scientist, but how do we extrapolate what the next 80 years will hold based on data from only the last 20?

Walt Meier, a research scientist at the National Snow and Ice Data Center at the University of Colorado, called Wadhams’ 13-year projection “extreme, but not completely implausible,” and cautioned that the thinning could simply be the result of “compression of thicker ice into a smaller region.”

“It’s dangerous to extrapolate into the future, especially from such a short period,” Meier told MSNBC.com on Tuesday.

Well THANK you for a voice of reason. What happened to that whole “scientific consensus” thing?  Oh, but wait.  Follow the link in this article, and you get another Meier’s quote.

“This long-term trend, which seems to be accelerating, is really an indication of a warming, and the only way you get the warming is with greenhouse gases,” said NSIDC research scientist Walt Meier.

The only way? Nothing else contributes to GW but the evils of man-made flourocarbons?!  Uh….yeah.  Even I know that’s utter codswallop.

“Even the most stringent mitigation efforts cannot avoid further impacts of climate change in the next few decades,” the (U.N.) report concluded.

Well, then screw it!  Why worry?  It’s already too late.  WE’RE DOOOOMED!  Then does that mean you’ll shut up now?

This is why a great number of people, traditionally the more conservative voices, tend to hold on to a bit a scepticism about the scope and severity of the global warming phenomenon.  There’s no doubt that we are in a warming trend, and that areas traditionally ice-bound are melting at unusual rates or amounts.  It’s the CAUSE which bears greater scrutiny.  And it’s the kind of shrill, thinly-substantiated alarmism in this article that does the most damage to the credibility of the “pro-warming” movement.

By way of comparison….

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17630368/page/2/

Scientists think variations in Mars’ orbit and tilt drive the planet’s climate over time, though a few astronomers have speculated about how the Sun’s activity could be partly to blame for warming on several planets.

In addition to warming from the atmosphere, ice-thawing heat could come from the core of Mars, analogous to the plumes of heat that cause volcanic eruptions on Earth. But evidence from the new radar study suggests the Martian crust is icy cold and rigid.  (all emphasis mine)

Uh….isn’t that what a large swath of the global warming deniers (myself included) have suggested might be happening on earth?  Obviously they talked to the wrong group of scientists.  You know, the one’s not included in the “most scientists agree” category.  I’m sure this lot will be roundly censured and marginalized any second now.  That’s right, can’t have planetary climatologists mucking up the global warming debate with wild scientific conjecture like this, now can we?!

The global warming hysteria is, IMHO, driven to a large extent by those who already have a vested interest in believing the worst about the evils of capitalism or westernism.  The tea-house liberals who wear their Birkenstocks and drink their tofu herbal smoothies…all the while conveniently keeping out of consciousness how those goods might have made it to the Trader Joe’s (not on donkey or horse-drawn carriage, I assure you)…are the ones quickest to raise the alarm about the terrors of global warming. 

Those skeptics among us, those slightly less prone to fits of emotional whimsy and thus less susceptible to random alarmism, require a better standard of proof than these kinds of gasping catastrophism and often mutually contradictory “scientific” analysis; studies in many cases cherry-picked to paint the darkest picture, not out of any genuine concern for the poor peoples of Africa, but for the sole and express purpose of pushing forward the radical environmentalists’ long-running agenda

Headlyin’ Newz

Posted: August 16, 2006 in Nearly News, Unblogging

From CNN:

“Suicide Bomb” at Iraq party HQ kills 9, injures 36
New specialty drink served at popular Rave hotspot tainted with a bad batch of Mezcal.
 

Aussies on lookout for ugly sheep
“All the good looking ones are already taken.”

France ‘faces high terror threat’ 
Considers immediate surrender to be the best course of action.

‘Explosion of diversity’ sweeps U.S.
Except of course, where the 10 Commandments are concerned.

Access to new HIV prevention methods lacking
Abstinence now considered “nearly unobtainable.”

Lebanese troops to head south Thursday
Expect to be in Jerusalem by Sunday   

Britney Spears’ second pregnancy unplanned
“Oops! She did it again”

From MSNBC:

London’s Muslim youth hear many voices
Might explain some things…

Rescuer ‘Green Helmet’ injured in fighting
No. Really. This is legit.  Honest.  He didn’t just lie down and rub dirt on his face.  Promise.

Bush pitches economy from a Harley
“Economy was talking trash, so I gave ‘im the ol’ heave-ho,” says President.  

Europe high-speed train sees passenger jump
Train the only witness so far to apparent suicide.