Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Now, we all know that in this world, there are just two kinds of people: 1) Those who value the environment, those who understand the danger of global warming and capitalist over-consumption, who understand the felt-needs of the downtrodden and disenfranchised, and are willing to provide whatever entitlements and social programs are necessary, regardless of the drain on the economy, and then of course there are: 2) Earth despoiling christo-fascist hate mongers who wait for a Rapture so that they can escape a raped and despoiled Gaia, leaving the rest of you losers here to burn.

So, to help you self-actualize to the point where you can visualize your chakra into a form which will ensure your ascension to the first category, and not descend into a non-optimized self-awareness such that you become a #2, I, your spiritual guide, mentor, even shaman if you will, have provided the following primer on what to seek as your own personal Progressive Utopian Vision™:

– A highly-centralized form of government responsible for everything from providing universal health care to controlling wide-ranging aspects of our personal lives for our own good, as long as they don’t interfere with our sexuality, except for making gay marriage legal.

– Government schools, in addition to teaching basic facts, are also equally responsible for ensuring the proper socialization and political education of the students.  The worldview presented here supersedes and supplants that provided by other less reliable sources (specifically: parents).  Educational paths outside these schools are viewed as highly suspect and potentially damaging to a child’s well-being.  Remember, parents cannot be trusted with ensuring the emotional well-being of children.  That’s what schools and social workers are for!

– Taxes on individual income are seen as a core resource for the redistribution of wealth from the rich to the “poor.”  The only people allowed to be rich are movie stars, politicians, and other high-profile activists who support our Progressive Utopian Vision™.  These are the “good” rich people, as opposed to the “bad” rich people.

– The government has an equal or greater responsibility for ensuring an individual’s personal welfare than that of the individual themselves.  Clearly you can’t be trusted, or you wouldn’t have gotten yourself into this mess in the first place.

– Homelessness, drug use, and other “crimes” are society’s fault, often stemming from society’s failure to understand an individual’s specific needs and to properly “value” them.  Properly (publicly) funded outreach programs and multi-media presentations are key to overcoming these personal challenges.

– The military is an anachronistic throw-back to our imperialist past, and should be reduced to a purely defensive force.  What constitutes a “defensive” force will, of course, be determined by people who’ve never actually served IN the military.

– Abortion is a core tenet of fundamental human rights, opposition to which is seen as simply another form of support for slavery (for women).  If you don’t support abortion, you might as well have Kunta Kinte and Rosa Parks chained up in the backyard. With a Rottweiler.  A hungry Rottweiler.  In heat.

– The US shouldn’t be the world’s policemen, and we should keep our noses out of other peoples’ business.  As long as we don’t ignore world poverty, world hunger, human rights abuses and AIDS awareness, while paying our dues to the UN, who has peacekeeping forces and advisors in over 34 countries as we speak.

– Children should be rescued from “at-risk” environments where parents attempt to instill values contrary to that established by those who know better, i.e. – the benevolent leaders of the Progressive Utopian Vision™.

– You must embraces an all-inclusive a-theistic, humanist spirituality, but oppose exclusionary mono-theistic beliefs.  Remember, there is no god but, well, you, right?
 
– Global population should be significantly reduced.  Starting with someone else.

– Vast areas of the planet should be returned to their “pre-human” or “natural” conditions; or more specifically, pre-industrial conditions.  Except of course for the progressive elite, who will be able to buy carbon offsets for their 6,600 sq ft mansions in an otherwise untrammeled national forest.  An agrarian, pacifist economy, but still retaining all the benefits of modern medicines and technology.  Ah, now who wouldn’t want that?

– Those who insist on preserving a unique cultural identity are to be viewed as xenophobic and hegemonical.  We should be open to all social and cultural influences, except those that don’t support the utopian vision presented by the progressive intellectual elite.  Except that elitism is bad, well, unless you’re a Progressive intellectual, in which case it’s okay, because you really DO know better.

– We shouldn’t be burning fossil fuels, because they pollute the environment.  But we shouldn’t use nuclear power, because it could pollute the environment.  However, we should be driving electric cars using nickel-cadmium batteries, and using long-lasting light bulbs with mercury in them.  All of which need to be treated as hazardous materials when being disposed of, otherwise, they’ll poison the environment.  Never mind how expensive that is for people on fixed incomes (you know, those “poor” people you were so worried about?), this is the ENVIRONMENT we are talking about here!

I hope this little Primer of Progressivism© has been helpful to you in your quest for true enlightenment.  I can be contacted by simply closing your eyes and channeling your positive thoughts to me.  My oneness with Gaia will enable me to respond.  Thank you.

~~ Linked at Mitchieville’s “Carnival of the Politically Correct.”  Go Mayor!

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“If you won’t stand behind our troops, feel free to stand in front of them.”

 I like it.

Jasmine. The name always conjures up images of that night. That. Night. Oh what a night. It was late December, back in ’63. What a very special time, for me. It was everything I dreamed it’d be. What a lady, what a night. She had asked me in from out of the cold. The doorbell had rung as I pressed the aged ivory disk against the stop, releasing it only after the dim echoes of bells had clamored from somewhere deep within the imposing structure for a good 15 to 20 seconds. It was my last delivery of the night, and the pizza business was looking to be every bit as empty and unforgiving as a tax collector’s soul. Snow drifted down with a vague disinterest, as if falling from the sky was a mere afterthought, and piling up in deep, boot-filling drifts was merely an unfortunate consequence of a poor choice of career paths. I could relate.

The door swung open and so did my jaw. She was a vision, a goddess, an apparition I could scarce credit with actual existence. Raven black hair cascaded across ivory white skin… great, imposing acres of skin, pale, translucent yards of skin, draped ever so skillfully with a satin evening gown the color of oil smoke, or dare I say it, rich, black coffee brewed so dark and heavy it scarcely reflected light.

“Pizza, ma’am,” I remember stuttering between chalk-dry lips. You always hear the stories, usually reserved for pool boys and UPS deliverymen, but you never think it will actually happen to you. My heart pounded at the possibilities.

“Oh you precious DOLL!” she squeaked in voice high enough to shatter fine crystal. Great, pasty trunks of arms shot forward with the speed and accuracy of an Amazonian tree-frog’s tongue lashing out at a passing mosquito, snatching the three large pepperoni, mushroom and sauerkraut pies from my clammy palms. Then, her prizes secure, she turned a coquettish glance back over one expansive, mole-ridden shoulder, and with a pouty little moue added, “Poor dear. You look absolutely frozen! Come inside and let me make you something…hot.” She giggled. My heart leapt for joy!

I followed the great delicious heap of a woman deeper into her cavernous home. Amazing things were happening beneath that stygian gown, each step a miracle of human horsepower, driving the delectable mass of womanhood forward, great undulating waves of flesh fighting to and fro like two massive lava lamps locked in an eternal struggle for domination.

She plopped me down in front of the fridge, and pulled out a can of spiced coffee. She threw it in the microwave, can and all, and fired it up. Great showers of sparks danced inside the microwave, reflecting erotically in her deep-set brown eyes. Finally the delightful nectar was done, now filling a cracked, porcelain mug, warming my quivering hands. The dark beverage beckoned from within the cup, bobbing and sloshing back and forth like my entrancing hostess every time she turned. I drank deeply. Scalding nutty goodness coated my throat, filled my senses, and excited my nerves. In my mind, the sensual impacts of woman and coffee melded, became one. Strong, imposing, hiding hints of some bitter secret, made all the more delicious because of the mystery. Ah yes, she was my coffee, my stimulant, my refuge from the cold.

She smiled. I smiled. The coffee steamed, kept warm by the electric tension in the air. I took another sip, and another. I drank her in with my eyes as I drank it in with my lips. Her eyes twinkled, locked with mine, as I sipped my coffee, and as she fed piece after piece of pizza between massive, well-trained jowls. She giggled like a little schoolgirl as she wiped a bit of sauce from one of her chins. My, my, MY, what a woman!

Oh yes, I drank deeply that night. Deeply indeed.