In keeping with my overall mood of late, I’ve decided to spontaneously create a meme called “Things I Hate,” the first in what it likely to become a regular series of installments, unless I by some amazing miracle get run over by the Perkiness and Happiness Steamroller. So, without further ado, Things I Hate Hate With The Intensity of 70 Burning Suns Going SuperNova:
– People that call an office phone and let it ring 13 effin’ times. Folks, most offices these days are pretty small, and if they don’t pick up by the fourth ring, guess what? THEY AREN’T FUCKING THERE! Staying on the line for the next ‘leventy rings accomplishes nothing but sending his poor hapless office-mates into a fit of blind seething rage such that if they were ever able to find out who you are, and where you live, they would immediately jump into their car, run on over, and stuff that phone up your ass. And by “they” I’m sure you realize, I mean ME!
– Also phone related, people who 1) insist on using the speaker phone, and 2) use the speaker phone like it is a window across a busy street, and you are on the other side. Thus, they have to YELL TO BE HEARD OVER ALL THE TRAFFIC, RIGHT? BECAUSE IT’S NOT TECHNOLOGY, IT’S A CAN AND A PIECE OF STRING, AND SO I HAVE TO YELL LIKE THIS SO YOU’LL BE ABLE TO HEAR ME CLEAR ACROSS THE EVER-LOVING UNITED STATES. Folks, technology is real. It works. Most speaker phones are TOO sensitive, such that you can hear some guy fart three cubicles over whenever you’re having that conference call. So please, speak in a conversational tone, such that I don’t have to come over and pull a Terry Tate on yo ass.
– The word “Di’nt.” You know, as in, “Oh no you DI’NT!?”. Folks, there are two, count ’em, TWO “D’s” in that word. Use them. They were put there for a reason. Saying “di’nt” doesn’t make you sound hip, it makes you sound like you have a speech impediment. Or are perhaps ever-so-slightly retarded.
– White people who use phrases like “I’m down wit it.” Guys, gals, come on. If you’re melanin challenged, then leave it alone. It’s not for you.
– And lastly – Dudes. Pull. Up. Your. PANTS! As mentioned above, it does not make you look hip, or cool, or “down”, or street. It makes you look developmentally disabled. Or worse – just plain stupid. It doesn’t proclaim your individuality, it proclaims that you are unable to perform such basic functions as dressing yourself in the morning. Walking around with your boxers bunched up in your crotch, with a belt riding mid-thigh as you constantly hitch your pants up an walk with that lurching, shuffling gate doesn’t say “cool,” it says “I’m a walk-away from some institution. Please call the number on my red aluminum bracelet.”