“Utopia is only one Non-Governmental Organization away.”

Posted: July 30, 2007 in ACLU, Celebrating Diversity, Environmentalism, Global Warming, Humor, Nut Jobs, Politics, Utter Inshanity!

Now, we all know that in this world, there are just two kinds of people: 1) Those who value the environment, those who understand the danger of global warming and capitalist over-consumption, who understand the felt-needs of the downtrodden and disenfranchised, and are willing to provide whatever entitlements and social programs are necessary, regardless of the drain on the economy, and then of course there are: 2) Earth despoiling christo-fascist hate mongers who wait for a Rapture so that they can escape a raped and despoiled Gaia, leaving the rest of you losers here to burn.

So, to help you self-actualize to the point where you can visualize your chakra into a form which will ensure your ascension to the first category, and not descend into a non-optimized self-awareness such that you become a #2, I, your spiritual guide, mentor, even shaman if you will, have provided the following primer on what to seek as your own personal Progressive Utopian Vision™:

– A highly-centralized form of government responsible for everything from providing universal health care to controlling wide-ranging aspects of our personal lives for our own good, as long as they don’t interfere with our sexuality, except for making gay marriage legal.

– Government schools, in addition to teaching basic facts, are also equally responsible for ensuring the proper socialization and political education of the students.  The worldview presented here supersedes and supplants that provided by other less reliable sources (specifically: parents).  Educational paths outside these schools are viewed as highly suspect and potentially damaging to a child’s well-being.  Remember, parents cannot be trusted with ensuring the emotional well-being of children.  That’s what schools and social workers are for!

– Taxes on individual income are seen as a core resource for the redistribution of wealth from the rich to the “poor.”  The only people allowed to be rich are movie stars, politicians, and other high-profile activists who support our Progressive Utopian Vision™.  These are the “good” rich people, as opposed to the “bad” rich people.

– The government has an equal or greater responsibility for ensuring an individual’s personal welfare than that of the individual themselves.  Clearly you can’t be trusted, or you wouldn’t have gotten yourself into this mess in the first place.

– Homelessness, drug use, and other “crimes” are society’s fault, often stemming from society’s failure to understand an individual’s specific needs and to properly “value” them.  Properly (publicly) funded outreach programs and multi-media presentations are key to overcoming these personal challenges.

– The military is an anachronistic throw-back to our imperialist past, and should be reduced to a purely defensive force.  What constitutes a “defensive” force will, of course, be determined by people who’ve never actually served IN the military.

– Abortion is a core tenet of fundamental human rights, opposition to which is seen as simply another form of support for slavery (for women).  If you don’t support abortion, you might as well have Kunta Kinte and Rosa Parks chained up in the backyard. With a Rottweiler.  A hungry Rottweiler.  In heat.

– The US shouldn’t be the world’s policemen, and we should keep our noses out of other peoples’ business.  As long as we don’t ignore world poverty, world hunger, human rights abuses and AIDS awareness, while paying our dues to the UN, who has peacekeeping forces and advisors in over 34 countries as we speak.

– Children should be rescued from “at-risk” environments where parents attempt to instill values contrary to that established by those who know better, i.e. – the benevolent leaders of the Progressive Utopian Vision™.

– You must embraces an all-inclusive a-theistic, humanist spirituality, but oppose exclusionary mono-theistic beliefs.  Remember, there is no god but, well, you, right?
– Global population should be significantly reduced.  Starting with someone else.

– Vast areas of the planet should be returned to their “pre-human” or “natural” conditions; or more specifically, pre-industrial conditions.  Except of course for the progressive elite, who will be able to buy carbon offsets for their 6,600 sq ft mansions in an otherwise untrammeled national forest.  An agrarian, pacifist economy, but still retaining all the benefits of modern medicines and technology.  Ah, now who wouldn’t want that?

– Those who insist on preserving a unique cultural identity are to be viewed as xenophobic and hegemonical.  We should be open to all social and cultural influences, except those that don’t support the utopian vision presented by the progressive intellectual elite.  Except that elitism is bad, well, unless you’re a Progressive intellectual, in which case it’s okay, because you really DO know better.

– We shouldn’t be burning fossil fuels, because they pollute the environment.  But we shouldn’t use nuclear power, because it could pollute the environment.  However, we should be driving electric cars using nickel-cadmium batteries, and using long-lasting light bulbs with mercury in them.  All of which need to be treated as hazardous materials when being disposed of, otherwise, they’ll poison the environment.  Never mind how expensive that is for people on fixed incomes (you know, those “poor” people you were so worried about?), this is the ENVIRONMENT we are talking about here!

I hope this little Primer of Progressivism© has been helpful to you in your quest for true enlightenment.  I can be contacted by simply closing your eyes and channeling your positive thoughts to me.  My oneness with Gaia will enable me to respond.  Thank you.

~~ Linked at Mitchieville’s “Carnival of the Politically Correct.”  Go Mayor!

  1. daredevil92103 says:

    well said! first good laugh i’ve had all day.

  2. gorwell1984 says:

    I dont know if you are serious or kidding, but it sounds pretty utopian to me.

  3. Steve B says:

    And therein lies the struggle. You can’t use facts against these agendas, because the response is usually, “And the problem is what?”

  4. kontan says:

    That was great! Yes, there are some who see this as the ideal and now revere you as the one who will save our nation. Steve B for Pres, HE has the answers!

  5. Well, you hit the nail on the head. You need funding.

  6. BlackSun says:

    This is such a false dichotomy, it’s ridiculous. Sustainability does not imply overarching government control. Just a willingness to do things in a way that doesn’t spoil the world permanently for our children. You wouldn’t spend your money like a drunken sailor and expect to prosper. Nor can we afford to wantonly waste the Earth’s natural capital.

    A humanistic attitude of enlightenment toward the earth doesn’t somehow imply neo-utopian socialism. Nor does it dictate woo-based fantasies about Gaia or “earth spirits.” But we must grow up and take responsibility for our consumption. End of story.

  7. Acting Tips says:

    Acting Tips

    Interesting article, Thanks for sharing.

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