The Voices…..

Posted: December 5, 2006 in Blitherings

I think I begin to understand how some people go crazy.  Not because of some inherent chemical imbalance, a traumatic brain injury, or some single event so emotionally traumatic that it shatters their grip on reality.

The other way.  The slow, errosive way.

It comes from regret.  Those little snapshots of emotional pain that we all carry around with us, carefully buried, hidden out of site.  Only, sometimes, they don’t STAY hidden. 

 They start to peek out around the edges.  They start to bleed over into our waking consciousness, sometimes like the sudden stab of a sewing needle so sudden and unexpected that it makes you gasp out loud.

But it starts to happen more and more.  Thoughts from high school, junior high, childhood, college, early adult.  Little slips, or casual sins.  Mistakes, flubs, inadequacies or regrets about the time you did when you shouldn’t, or didn’t when you should.

And then one day, your brain begins to so fear these little flashes, these little pokes and prods at the underbelly of your guilt, that it begins to try and hide.  It starts to try and make the bad noises go away.  It begins to construct a new reality, one where I don’t have remember the past, or place expectations on the future.  It begins to close valves and shut switches, dogging down hatches and pulling in the gangplanks.

It makes a nice, safe, cozy little cardboard box for itself, and there wraps itself in discarded blankets and old newspapers, rocking quietly and gently back and forth, humming a silent, buzzing melody that helps drown out the noise.  It’s cool, and quiet, and dark.  No one gets in, no one gets out.  But its safer that way, better.

Right?

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Comments
  1. Cranky Putz says:

    Agree, the guilt too.

  2. kontan says:

    Very insightful. Without dealing with the voices of burden will drown in their own pity forsaking reality and progress in their life.

  3. Joe says:

    I guess some people just prefer to make up their own little world where everything is ok and they are perfect little angels…rather than dealing with cold hard realities.

    Or perhaps it’s just human nature.

  4. Joe says:

    (con’t…) What I meant by that last part is that it is normal to try to push the bad and/or the sad parts of our life out of mind. It’s easier not to deal with them at all.

    But, as the person above me alluded to, they must be dealt with. If not, they sit in the recesses of our mind and fester until they begin to control who we are and what we do. It’s better to face these “demons” and kill them. Easier said than done, I know. But, it must be done.

    Very good post.

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